First things first, I would never be a contestant on The Bachelor. Aside from the obvious (it's fake and also weird), I honestly know that I would a) be painfully bored (no books?!) and b) be unable to contain my need to troll everyone and c) end up talking about Al Shabaab or murder rates (two topics that often come up in my party conversations). Needless to say, unless the bachelor was Jon Favreau or Tim Hetherington (RIP), my sanity would not fare well and neither would my prospects.
Regardless, Nick Viall's sad season is coming to an end soon so I felt compelled to do something fun and vaguely commemorative. I tend to find most of the rose ceremony dress choices questionable. It's not nice to judge and I know they're restricted by budget, but there's just too many rhinestones and sad fabrics. Since I'd already be talking about the prison industrial complex, I might as well branch out from the group with my style options as well.
Out of the Limo | Juan Carlos Obando
I'd play the old bait-and-switch by starting my first impression with a minimalist, skin-toned slip dress which would most certainly stand out in a room full of bedazzled prom garb (no offense, but seriously). I'd have messy beach hair, a French girl red lip, and a brooding demeanor. This would set things up so that he'd be noticeably unsettled when I draw comparisons between the cocktail party and The Battle of Helm's Deep.
Typical Rose Ceremonies | Needle & Thread and Vilshenko
For your average rose ceremonies, I'd start slowly transitioning into more unusual looks. I'd pick a dress from Needle & Thread paired with a top knot and bare face for a look that says "the princess saves herself in this one". For the next one, I'd try a cotton midi dress from Vilshenko because they're pretty and look really comfortable. By that point, I'd be well over the whole operation, so I would need something that feels good.
Out of Town | Self Portrait
The first few out-of-town locations seem to be more metropolitan, so I'd pick this blush-nude toned lace dress from Self Portrait. It's the kind of thing that would definitely be questioned by others, hence the appeal.
Tropical Island | x by nbd
The franchise always inevitably ends up on a tropical island, so I'd come armed with a dress that would allow me to switch up the neutral palette but still retain my vibe. This one I found on Revolve is great not only because it's cute but because the sheer panels at the bottom will remind everyone of the Self Portrait dress that likely confused them earlier in the season.
Getting Sent Home | Marchesa
I think everyone knows when they're about to get sent home, so I'd prepare by breaking out the big guns---an embellished, flutter-sleeve ball gown from Marchesa with a sheer, v-cut top. This is not a dress suitable for crying in a limo about being unlovable. This dress says, "Boy bye!" and also, "This dress cost more than your Sugar Bear Hair endorsement."